XXX -- accidental voice;

[breakmychest]

[Spike is sick of being in the infirmary. He's not really feeling healthy by any definition of the word, but he didn't get where he is today by letting things like that get in his way.]

Right. Checking myself out, doc!

[He doesn't wait for an answer before swinging his legs out of the bed. He gets hit by a wave of dizziness, but he puts a hand on the wall until it subsides. Then he grabs his coat and starts making his way slowly out of the infirmary. If any doctor tries to stop him, he will glare. He's not really over his death toll, but he's going to spend the rest of it in his own room with his own Passions DVDs. And he will make it, even if he has to stop a few times and take the elevator.]



[ooc: Open for replies over the journals, for which we can assume some elapsed time because he isn't responding until he reaches his destination, or spam from anyone in the medical room, near his room, or anywhere in between. Also, of course, open to horribly awkward hugs. Or non-awkward hugs, but those seem less likely.]

Comments

[slayage]

[The need moment came and went. Didn't it? It's hard to tell. She lingers. Tighter still, then.. Oh. Ow. She breathes in a little sharply. The slight pain sort of knocked her out of it. Buffy pulls back, looking very confused.] Um.

[bigbad]

[Um is right. Spike reluctantly loosens his arms and glances up at her. Did he hurt her? She is still injured, it looks like, and he wasn't exactly holding back. He clears his throat.]

That's been happening a lot. I think I made Andrew's entire year when I ran into him.

[It's an out, if she wants it. This is different, though, of course. Spike's self-aware enough to realise that much. The flood may have made them hug, but Spike would have done it anyway given the chance.]

[slayage]

[She blinks and stares at him.] Oh. Is this another flood thing? [Pause.] You hugged Andrew? [LOL FACE.]

[bigbad]

It could be. [Or it could just be them. Your call, Buffy. Spike's following your lead here.

Spike looks a bit embarrassed.]

Well, he hugged me, and I wasn't exactly the most steady on my feet. Seemed easier than collapsing.

[And also he couldn't resist thanks to the flood.]

Hugged Elphaba too.

[slayage]

[Have a snort.] He'll probably write about it in his diary. [And still, she isn't moving.] She doesn't seem the hugging type. Did she bite you?

[bigbad]

No, actually, she hugged back. [Spike's noticed the lack of moving, though he's not mentioning it. Just in case it turns out to be a fluke. That being said, his arms do creep around her waist. Not really hugging, only barely holding, just... being there.]

[slayage]

Huh. [Buffy pondered this for a second, then feeling his arms move around her waist, she stopped.] Am I hurting you?

[bigbad]

[Spike shakes his head.] I'm all right. [Not that he'd say otherwise if she were hurting him. He likes having her here too much. But it really doesn't hurt anymore to have her on him like this. He's sore, of course, but he was sore before she hugged him too.]

[slayage]

[Buffy looked at him.] What does it feel like? [Okay that could be interpreted as something else, so she quickly adds.] Death toll stuff.

[bigbad]

It's not too bad. First day or so I felt bloody awful, but I've been beaten worse.

[He moved his hand up to rub at his chest, right over his heart.]

Hurts the worst right here. But I'm used to heartache by now.

[slayage]

Oh. [She stiffens a little, then calmly gets up as casually as possible and goes to sit on the couch.] So it's like.. ghost pains of what killed you?

[bigbad]

[Spike frowns as she gets up, struggling to sit straighter so he can look at her.]

Buffy, I didn't mean it like that. I told you you weren't hurting me, remember?

[slayage]

No, I know. My, uh, back was getting crampy. [Blink.] Can we talk about the death toll please?

[bigbad]

[Spike raises an eyebrow at that. This is why you can never keep a secret ID, Buffy. You are a terrible liar.]

Your back got crampy the moment I mentioned heartache? I'm not stupid, love. And I know you a bit too well for that excuse to work.

[That's a no on the death toll thing. For now, at least.]

[slayage]

[Her eyebrows scrunch together as she sits up straight.] You really want to get into this right now?

[bigbad]

[He leans back down in the chair.]

You're the one who got jumpy at a joke, love. And you know it's got to happen eventually.

[slayage]

[With a look of complete UGH, she crosses her arms over her chest and leans back again too.] Fine. What? [She challenges.] What do you want me to say?

[bigbad]

Why'd you get up when I mentioned heartache?

[slayage]

[She stares for a second. Why you gotta be so perceptive and know her so well, Spike? Buffy debates her answer, looking around the room, and it is obvious she is stalling. But when she does speak, she answers honestly. Her voice is quiet.] It made me uncomfortable. [She looks at him.]

[bigbad]

[He nods, and when he answers her, his voice is quiet as well.] I knew as soon as I said it it was a bad idea. Just sort of slipped out, though. I wasn't condemning you or anything. [Though he doesn't pretend that he wasn't talking about her, at least in part. If he wants her to be honest, he can at least return the favor.]

[slayage]

[She looks down at her hands.] It's been a bad week.

[bigbad]

[Spike breathed in, then pushed himself out of the chair. The couch was only a few steps away, and he'd been resting long enough that it wasn't too hard to make it. He sat down next to her, but he didn't touch her, not yet.]

Yeah, it really has.

[slayage]

[Buffy felt safe here. As safe as she could feel, ever, with expressing her feelings. As long as they weren't her feelings about Spike, she could tell him pretty much anything. Not having her core group here had been harder than she thought it would be. But at least she had a real friend in Spike.

Buffy didn't move. She didn't want to be touched, she just wanted to start getting it out. But she appreciated his presence, his closeness. She just started talking.] I've killed humans before. But they.. They were after Dawn, and I had no choice.

WOAH PROSE ATTACK

[bigbad]

"I remember," Spike says softly. He had been spectacularly useless in that fight. It had taken place during the day, and their opponents had all been human. And his only big contribution had really sliced up his hands. Of course, back then he hadn't really thought much about the cost of human life. He'd been aware that killing was wrong, but only because he knew Buffy thought felt that way.

WOAHHH

[slayage]

Buffy glances up at him, but her gaze doesn't linger. She doesn't speak for a minute. Fighting the conflicting and troubling feelings she has about it, trying not to let it all spill out in unrecognizable blobs of words. Trying to make it make sense, work through it as she speaks.

"I didn't think I did this time, but.. I don't know. Did I have a choice?"

There are tears in her eyes now, and she's wringing her hands together. She's rather guarded right now. Afraid. She braves another glance at Spike.