XXX -- accidental voice;

[breakmychest]

[Spike is sick of being in the infirmary. He's not really feeling healthy by any definition of the word, but he didn't get where he is today by letting things like that get in his way.]

Right. Checking myself out, doc!

[He doesn't wait for an answer before swinging his legs out of the bed. He gets hit by a wave of dizziness, but he puts a hand on the wall until it subsides. Then he grabs his coat and starts making his way slowly out of the infirmary. If any doctor tries to stop him, he will glare. He's not really over his death toll, but he's going to spend the rest of it in his own room with his own Passions DVDs. And he will make it, even if he has to stop a few times and take the elevator.]



[ooc: Open for replies over the journals, for which we can assume some elapsed time because he isn't responding until he reaches his destination, or spam from anyone in the medical room, near his room, or anywhere in between. Also, of course, open to horribly awkward hugs. Or non-awkward hugs, but those seem less likely.]

Comments

[bigbad]

[He leans back down in the chair.]

You're the one who got jumpy at a joke, love. And you know it's got to happen eventually.

[slayage]

[With a look of complete UGH, she crosses her arms over her chest and leans back again too.] Fine. What? [She challenges.] What do you want me to say?

[bigbad]

Why'd you get up when I mentioned heartache?

[slayage]

[She stares for a second. Why you gotta be so perceptive and know her so well, Spike? Buffy debates her answer, looking around the room, and it is obvious she is stalling. But when she does speak, she answers honestly. Her voice is quiet.] It made me uncomfortable. [She looks at him.]

[bigbad]

[He nods, and when he answers her, his voice is quiet as well.] I knew as soon as I said it it was a bad idea. Just sort of slipped out, though. I wasn't condemning you or anything. [Though he doesn't pretend that he wasn't talking about her, at least in part. If he wants her to be honest, he can at least return the favor.]

[slayage]

[She looks down at her hands.] It's been a bad week.

[bigbad]

[Spike breathed in, then pushed himself out of the chair. The couch was only a few steps away, and he'd been resting long enough that it wasn't too hard to make it. He sat down next to her, but he didn't touch her, not yet.]

Yeah, it really has.

[slayage]

[Buffy felt safe here. As safe as she could feel, ever, with expressing her feelings. As long as they weren't her feelings about Spike, she could tell him pretty much anything. Not having her core group here had been harder than she thought it would be. But at least she had a real friend in Spike.

Buffy didn't move. She didn't want to be touched, she just wanted to start getting it out. But she appreciated his presence, his closeness. She just started talking.] I've killed humans before. But they.. They were after Dawn, and I had no choice.

WOAH PROSE ATTACK

[bigbad]

"I remember," Spike says softly. He had been spectacularly useless in that fight. It had taken place during the day, and their opponents had all been human. And his only big contribution had really sliced up his hands. Of course, back then he hadn't really thought much about the cost of human life. He'd been aware that killing was wrong, but only because he knew Buffy thought felt that way.

WOAHHH

[slayage]

Buffy glances up at him, but her gaze doesn't linger. She doesn't speak for a minute. Fighting the conflicting and troubling feelings she has about it, trying not to let it all spill out in unrecognizable blobs of words. Trying to make it make sense, work through it as she speaks.

"I didn't think I did this time, but.. I don't know. Did I have a choice?"

There are tears in her eyes now, and she's wringing her hands together. She's rather guarded right now. Afraid. She braves another glance at Spike.

SO EXCITING

[bigbad]

Spike hadn't been there, so of course, he doesn't know, not really. But that's not what Buffy needs to hear.

"She was one of those nanomite powered-up baddies the git was using as bodyguards, right?" Spike asks. "Cause if that's the case, then yeah, you had a choice. Could have let her kill you and let him get away with his plan."

SORRY FOR THE SHORTNESS! D:

[slayage]

"No one else was killed. Only the girl I was fighting." Buffy took her left hand and rubbed one side of her face. She was so tired.

IT'S COOL. I LIKE ALL LENGTH BUFFY TAGS.

[bigbad]

"Hey." Spike took her shoulders and turned her to face him. "You didn't kill Rex. Most would've. I would have done it." He shook his head. "I know you, Slayer. There's no way you'd have killed a human being if there was any other way." He brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "And there's no way you wouldn't spend ages agonizing about it and wondering if you did right if you did."

ILU <3

[slayage]

Buffy let him turn her, and she looked down for a moment when he did. But her eyes reached his and she started to feel a little better. Her guilt was still eating her alive though.

"Slade nearly did. I stopped him." She laughed humorlessly. "I'll spare the bad guy but kill his victim.. It was just.. Slade and Kon? They didn't even look like they'd been hurt at all by the end of it. I can take the hits, but I still get hurt.. I didn't know what else to do." Her voice broke a little there. But she kept her expression all stiff-upper-lippy.

[bigbad]

Spike suddenly felt an intense desire to hug her in a way he knew had nothing to do with the flood. Even so, he wrapped his arms around her gently, pulling her closer to him.

[slayage]

Buffy was surprised at the gesture. Had they ever hugged this much before today? I mean, there had been lotsa cuddling and.. other stuff, but hugs? It was a little foreign. But it wasn't bad. Buffy stiffened at first, but she relaxed into it, only raising one hand to gently touch his back.

"Boy, this is one persistent flood, huh?" She joked a little awkwardly.

[bigbad]

"Huh?" Spike raised his head, then nodded. "Oh, right, yeah. Flood. Couldn't be helped." He rubbed her back softly, then pulled away. "Guess you managed to change the subject after all," he said.

[slayage]

Buffy took a deep breath and smiled a little at that. Calming her nerves, trying to keep herself from not exploding into a grief-ridden mess. But then he said that. She turned defensive.

"I think the whole killing someone thing is a little more important.."

[bigbad]

Spike frowned. Of course it was. Did she really think he didn't know that? Sure, once upon a time, he'd have demanded to talk about where they were above all else, but surely she'd noticed he wasn't like that anymore. "Why do you think I didn't push?"

[slayage]

Buffy sighed. Great. Things were so easy for them one second, and the next it was like opposite elements battling for control and justification. Making a daring move, she reached out and gave him a one-armed hug, putting her chin on his shoulder so she didn't have to look at him as she said this.

"I'm still figuring it out. Okay?" Pause. "Can that just be enough for now?"

[bigbad]

Spike didn't quite jump in surprise when she hugged him. He nodded and leaned his head against hers. "Yeah. Yeah, it is." He smiled, turning his head a little to look down at her. "So, hug flood, huh."

[slayage]

"Reeeally persistent." She commented with a smirk, then sat back upright. "So. Uh. I think I should stay. Here. You shouldn't be out of the infirmary anyway. ...And I'm free."

[bigbad]

Spike tilted his head and looked at her. "Oh, you think that, do you?" He slowly smiled. "Not really in any shape to stop you, am I? Suppose you should."

[slayage]

"Yeah, yeah." Buffy gave him a sarcastic ha ha, you're so funny look, and reached out, giving his shoulder a light push. "Okay then. It's settled." She gives a satisfied smirk, then leans back on the couch, getting comfy. Buffy looks at the TV. "Whatcha watching?"

[bigbad]

"Hey, easy, Slayer, gonna put me right back in the infirmary?" He rubbed his shoulder, but he flashes her a grin to show he's not serious. He shifts as well, then grabs the remote. "Passions."