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[breakmychest]

She just won’t see I burn for her,
And in the end, I guess I’m sure
I always knew that it would end this way.


The Player
User Name/Nick: Shana
User LJ: museofspeed
AIM/IM: firstbirdboy
E-mail: shananagin@gmail
Other Characters: N/A

The Character
Character Name: Spike
Character Journal: killed2slayers
Canon: BtVS
Age: 150
From When?: The end of Season 7, shortly before the big final battle.

Abilities/Powers: As a vampire, he's got enhanced strength and speed. He's immortal and unaging, though a stake through the heart, decapitation, fire, or sunlight can kill him. His senses are better than human, especially his sense of smell. He's really good at fighting in various martial art styles. He's written poetry, but not very well. He can come up with good plans, but he rarely has the patience to carry them out. He's good at adapting. He can withstand a lot of pain. He's pretty good at using technology. He's good at various criminal abilities such as pick-pocketing, picking locks, and hotwiring cars.
Power Limitations: I don't think I need any?
Inventory Black t-shirt, black jeans, belt, black leather duster, big black motorcycle boots, socks, sparkly amulet that is very volatile if worn at the right time can blow up a Hellmouth and the surrounding town. This will not actually happen in the game.

Personality: To sire someone, a vampire first drains the victim's blood, then feeds him some of her own blood. It's not a very difficult process. You kill them, they rise again. Then they become an entirely different being, with, in theory, at least, very few ties to their former self. Sure, they retain all their human memories, but love, affection, all those human feelings? They're gone.

Spike doesn't quite fit the pattern. From the start, he was different. Like many vampires, he killed his mother, but it was because he thought turning her into a vampire was a good way to save her life. He retained his human devotion and love. After staking his mother, he goes on to love Drusilla passionately. Though he's not the only vampire to ever have a monogamous relationship or some sort of love for another vampire, he is much more human about his devotion. He even later falls for the Slayer, and he is capable of loving people such as Dawn and Joyce in a platonic way before he gets his soul. Though he's got plenty of lust, he can love people without it. This deep, inner tendency to devote himself to another comes from when he was human. He tends to revolve around people and emotional ties, treasuring bonds to the point that he'd rather die than betray someone he cares about. He doesn't do anything in halves, so he can't just like someone, he has to love them completely and fully and with every fiber of his being. He may not write poems once he becomes a vampire, but he's still prone to being overdramatic and doing grand gestures to profess his love.

He also really enjoys eating food. Most vampires can't taste things other than blood, but Spike can. He eats cookies, hot chocolate, blossoming onions, and spicy buffalo wings to name a few examples, plus he often adds spices or wheetabix to his blood to make it more interesting or textured. He's very creative with his food. Though canon has never explicitly stated it, I like to think that Drusilla, crazy as she is, messed up a little when she turned him and his taste buds didn't entirely die.

His thoughts about Drusilla will always be tinged with love and regret. She was the first woman he loved, and Spike doesn't stop loving people. She was his everything, and everything he did he did for her. She's why he became the mass-murdering vampire he was for a century. He caused destruction and murder because he knew it would make her happy. But she didn't love him the same way. It was a game for her, and although she enjoyed having someone care for her that much, she didn't hesitate to go back to Angelus the second it's an option. It takes Spike a long time to realize that their love isn't as eternal as he'd hoped, and even longer to really move on. As I mentioned earlier, he doesn't do things in halves. The realization that Drusilla was not as fully devoted to him as he was to her was difficult. He may have known, deep inside him, that she was only his as long as it was entertaining to her, but he loved her so much that he couldn't believe she didn't return his feelings. He can sometimes be blinded by his own devotion and convinced that feelings are there when they aren't really. It's part wistful thinking, part convincing himself, part following his instinct and believing it won't lead him wrong.

Angelus had Drusilla long before Spike had even died, and it's something Spike can never forget. The two of them didn't always fight, in fact, they used to get along really well. Spike idolized Angelus and learned everything the older vampire was willing to teach. In a way, those feelings never went away. Even when they both are on the side of good, Spike can't help but think of Angel and how he would handle things. He'd never admit looking up to him, of course, and he certainly also resents him a lot, but there is hidden respect.

It's very deeply hidden. Before he goes good, he resents Angelus for stealing Drusilla from him, and he resents Angel for betraying their little family, and evil in general. Angelus is an evil bastard who enjoys causing people pain, including Spike, and even if most of their friends see Angelus and Angel as two different people, Spike knows Angel too well and doesn’t let Angel off the hook for what he did when he was soulless. He knows exactly who Angel is and what he's done, and that as a soulless vampire, he was worse than Spike.

He also tends to end up in Angel's shadow no matter what he does. He's only the second worst vampire in recorded history; Angelus is worse. And he's the second vampire with a soul, the one who isn't in any of the prophecies. He may be a champion, but he's still not Angel. He's still the second vampire Buffy fell for and the one no one takes seriously. He resents Angel a lot for that. He wanted his soul, and he worked for it. Angel's was a curse, and something he never would have willingly done. Spike wasn't even that bad (for a vampire) until Angel taught him how to be really evil. As far as Spike's concerned, he deserves the big reward far more than Angel does. He's a better man than Angel is, and no one else can see it.

This leads to lots of bickering. When these two badass vampires who have lived for 150ish and 270ish years respectively are put in a room together, they both act like they are 12. They bicker and fight over everything from women to who's saved the world more often to who would win in a fight between cavemen and astronauts. They are complete idiots around each other and fantastic at pushing each other's buttons. They've just known each other so long that it's easy.

Spike doesn't even know exactly how he feels about Angel. He can switch from bickering to fighting alongside Angel at the drop of a hat, and his emotions often vary between jealousy and loathing, admiration and tentative friendship. Angel's done a lot of things he can't forgive, but Spike's done a lot of bad things to Angel as well, not to mention to the rest of the world. Angel and Spike are also the only vampires with souls, which gives them a certain bond. No one else can really understand what it's like. Around each other, they don't have to apologize for any past wrongs because the other has done just as many, and it was a different time when they were different demons, so they just accept it. They can also fight and hate and be monsters around each other because they both know what it's like, and exactly how much of their true natures they cover up around humans.

One of their many ongoing fights, of course, involves Buffy Summers, another woman they both have loved. Buffy and Spike started out as enemies. Spike wanted to kill her. It wasn't until Angelus came back and tried to steal Drusilla that Spike made his first tentative steps to Buffy's side. Of course, he was doing it because he didn't want to lose Drusilla, but he admitted that he actually was pretty attached to the world and didn't want it to end. The truce only lasted as long as it took for him to leave town, but Buffy wasn't through messing up his unlife yet. Drusilla could sense that Spike was no longer completely hers. The game was over, the Slayer had infected him. She left him. Spike blamed Buffy and returned, but not to kill her. He instead drank a lot, tried to get Willow to do a spell for him, and eventually just left the city without a fight. Though it's unlikely he could have taken Buffy and Angel on alone, he could have at least made an effort, but Drusilla was right. Though Spike didn't have any idea yet, he already was far more interested in Buffy than he should be. Sure, he could call it loathing and consider his obsession something other than it was, but the seeds were planted. He couldn't help but think of her.

Spike is fairly masochistic in who he falls for. His first love was a disguised vengeance demon and a total bitch who cruelly told him he was beneath her when he professed his love. His second love was the woman who killed him. Though he wouldn't be able to tell for a while, his third love is the woman who beats him up a lot. Of course, at first it's not love so much as a general strong emotional reaction. He enjoys fighting her and relishes the challenge. He's already fond of fighting slayers, but this one's challenging him more than the previous two do. Leaving her alive, even for Dru's sake, conflicted with everything he'd done before. He couldn't stop thinking about her.

It only grew worse once the chip forced him to work with her instead of against her. Add in Faith being very suggestive in Buffy's body and one magical and brief engagement, and it wasn't long until Spike was head over heels in love with his nemesis. Loving Buffy was confusing and difficult for Spike. His previous romantic entanglements were Drusilla, who was about as far from an ordinary girl as you could get, and Harmony, who was pretty easy. He didn't know how to love Buffy. He didn't want to love Buffy. Even if he is somewhat masochistic, she does drive him absolutely insane, and he can't decide sometimes whether he wants to kiss or kill her. His emotions are in turmoil. She's his enemy, everything he stands against, and he knows she hates him as well. As much as Spike likes going against the grain, he does have limits, and bedding a Slayer is not really something he'd have considered before Buffy. It's something he made fun of Angel for back in the day. It's completely wrong, but he can't stop, he has to be with her anyway he can. And once he sets his mind to something like that, there's no going back. Spike is very, very stubborn.

But Spike doesn't act on brains, he acts on instinct, and every bit of his being was calling out for Buffy. He just didn't know how to win her. She does nothing but hate him even when they work together at first, and finding out his feelings for her just disgusts her. Spike bounced back and forth between being sure she could feel the connection as well and knowing she'd never love him. He has a certain swaggering overconfidence that's partly covering up his inner insecurities and partly just because he honestly does believe that there is something between them, and the thought that she can't feel it is unfathomable to him. But at other times, he feels the struggle to get to a point where she could accept him is impossible. It won't stop him from trying, though. Spike's a risk taker by nature, and when the rewards are this great, it's worth the leap. And he'd rather she lead him on than turned him down completely. He begs and threatens her to try and get even the slimmest hope, but she turns him down. It isn’t until he proves he'd rather die than betray Dawn that she starts taking him a little more seriously.

Her death completely devastates Spike. When he loves, he loves completely, with all his heart. The only thing that keeps him going is that he promised to protect Dawn. He continues to protect Sunnydale and fight vampires, but every night he thinks only of Buffy and how he could have saved her if he'd acted differently. It is the first time since his mother died that he has lost someone he loves, and his mother had been old and sick anyway. Drusilla is eternally young like him, and though there always was the chance of getting staked, the two of them could have lived forever. Buffy is mortal, and Spike has to come to terms with that. Even though she does come back, any love between Spike and Buffy can only be fleeting. But Spike would much, much rather it be him that dies.

He wouldn't turn her, though it would keep her alive longer. Vampires are different from humans, and though he would cling to any Buffy he could have, especially pre-soul, it wouldn't be Buffy. It would be a perversion of the woman he loves, and he knows it. In fact, he occasionally shows remorse about his own non-living status. He likes being a vampire, but humans can walk in the sun. Also, they have souls and aren't evil. If he were human, all of Buffy's reasons for not wanting to be with him would be gone.

Losing her is nearly more than he can handle, but when she comes back, things start to work in his favor. Buffy's friends pulled her out of heaven, and Spike is the only one in whom she feels she can confide. Eventually, she gives in to temptation and they start an incredibly unhealthy affair. She's using Spike, taking advantage of his love to lose herself, and he'll take anything she'll give. The only time she treats him with anything like respect is when she calls off the relationship, acknowledging that his feelings matter and it isn't fair of her to use him like that, even if he isn't complaining. Spike tells Riley earlier that he's not sure whether Riley has it worse than he does, being so close but not truly having Buffy, or Spike has it worse, not having her at all. By Season 6, Spike has experienced both. He and Buffy are sleeping together, but she doesn't love him and claims she never will. She never pretends she's doing anything else, but Spike still believes that it's inevitable that she'll fall for him. For a vampire, Spike can sometimes be very naive. He believes in happy endings. Too bad for him, he's in a Joss Whedon show where they don't exist.

But he's had a taste of her now, and calling it off isn't that easy. Spike is, at this point, a soulless monster, and loving Buffy enough isn't enough to redeem him. Though Buffy and many others have told him, he doesn't believe it himself until he nearly rapes Buffy. Until she kicked him across the room, he didn't even realize he was doing anything wrong, and that he almost went that far horrifies him enough to take the initiative to actually change. The chip acted like a leash that kept him from killing fully. He quests to get a soul so he can actually be worthy of Buffy.

Spike is certain, during the rape scene, that Buffy will realize she loves him when he's inside her. He sees her jealousy and takes it for something more than it is, and doesn't listen to her protests. In earlier scenes, when she said no and he kept going, she easily succumbed, and he does believe it will be like that again. He has himself convinced that she loves him despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Despite how observant he can be about other people's romantic situations, he's entirely blind to his own.

His experience on souled vampires up to that point is entirely Angel. He knows that apparently they hurt enough to take "a badass vampire" and turn him into "a big, fluffy puppy with bad teeth," as he says in the Angel episode In the Dark. He knows Angelus and Angel act nothing alike. And he knows that Buffy can't love him because he's an evil, soulless thing. Getting a soul is not something to be undertaken lightly, not if it hurts that much, and not if it'll change his personality. I don't doubt that he'd considered the possibility before he finally does it. He's very competitive with Angel, and he certainly would have thought he could have handled the soul if Angel could handle it. The possibility of becoming someone else would have made him not do it until he felt it was the only thing he could do. The only thing that would make him the sort of man Buffy deserved.

Of course, it turns out to be a lot more painful and confusing than Spike had expected. He underestimated the pain and guilt and self-loathing a soul could cause. It didn't help that the First Evil chose that time to start tormenting Spike as well, and Spike had no way or knowing that this was not just his newfound soul. It takes him a long time to come to figure out how to be his normal badass self and also have a soul, but eventually he adjusts and turns out to be not too different with his soul than without it. Besides, of course, where he rests on the moral compass.

Spike's soul is a big turning point in his life. Before he got it, he was an evil creature trying to be good. Afterwards, the path was clearer, but everything hurt so much it made him insane. He learned to deal with it a lot faster than Angel did, and that's mostly because of Buffy's support. Buffy sees Spike change and helps him through it. She starts to lean on him as much as he leans on her. They are incredibly close by the end, and she even tells him she loves him, though he doesn't believe her. His lack of belief in Buffy's words are partly a deep seated self-loathing that makes it hard for him to accept that anyone else could so much like him, and partly him thinking that she's just wrong about her feelings and being confused by him being all noble and self-sacrificing, plus the deep connection they shared over the past few days. There's also an element of worry that Buffy's only saying it to give him one, final good memory, and he doesn't want to be lied to in his final moments.

Spike didn't think much about good and evil before he met Buffy. He knew in a vague way that he was evil, but he didn't think much about his victims. He knew he hurt people, of course, but he didn't go deeper into it than that. It was all fun. He enjoyed the thrill of killing and fighting and eating people and didn't think about their families or the future lives he cut short. After he got his chip, he drank only pig's blood for a very long time. When he had the opportunity to drink human's blood thanks to Drusilla's help, he hesitated before he did it. Even without a soul, he had an idea of right and wrong. He does give in to the wrong side, but he struggles with the decision. He hasn't redeemed himself yet, but he has the capability.

Pre soul, Buffy is Spike's moral compass. Though he has an idea of right verse wrong, he's more worried about what's fun and what Buffy would approve or disapprove of. That's a big part of why he hesitates, knowing that if he starts killing again, the already miniscule chance he has with her would be gone. In the end, it's not enough to keep him from drinking from a human.

Though Drusilla and Buffy are the only two women Spike has ever loved, he has on occasion slept with other women. And Angel, once, but they were drunk and don't discuss it. After Drusilla dumps Spike, he takes up with Harmony, who is stupid and annoying and very easy. Spike doesn't really have one night stands, though. Even though he never loves Harmony, he does date her, though he doesn't care about her at all and even attempts to stake her at one point. He sleeps with Anya once too, when she was trying to get over Xander and he was trying to forget Buffy. It's pretty disastrous. His only other romantic relationship is with Maria, a human with spider legs that popped out when she was scared, angry, or aroused, that he dated in Hell. She took it a lot more seriously than he did. For him it was more that she helped him escape Maria's boss Non and lead Non's demon lady underlings after Non fell. He didn't really have any qualms about using sex to turn the girl to his side, even if he didn't love her.

Spike is very monogamous. Though he has on occasion slept with people he wasn't dating, there are always circumstances and usually alcohol or torture. He feels most comfortable within the bounds of some sort of relationship, though it does not have to be conventional. He likes cherishing someone above all others and doing everything for her. He would never cheat on someone he was dating because he has been there, and it hurts a lot.

Spike also cultivates important non-romantic relationships with Dawn, to whom he is a sort of older brother/father figure. She thinks he's cool and hangs out with him because it bothers Buffy at first, and Spike protects her because he knows it would break Buffy's heart if anything ever happened to Dawn. He has a lot of affection for her too, calling her nicknames such as "Nibblet" or "Little Bit." She liked him before everyone else did, and he became her protector. Their relationship was sometimes tumultuous as both of them have more loyalty to Buffy than to each other, and when Spike screws up badly, Dawn tends to feel betrayed, but mostly she likes and trusts him.

His other important non-romantic relationships are with Fred Burkle and Illyria. Fred is the first person that is kind to him from the start. They meet when he rematerializes a ghost in Angel's office, and she is the only one who doesn't question whether or not he should be brought back. She works hard to help him, and it's something he appreciates a lot.

Illyria is the reason Fred died. Spike doesn’t exactly blame Illyria for killing Fred since he knows she had about as much control over what happened as a bullet does. Nonetheless, every time he looks at her he sees Fred. He and Illyria do get along very well, as he can relate to her confusion about humanity and feelings, and to not being as powerful or feared as she once was. The two of them often spar and bond in Hell. Under different circumstances, Spike could have fallen in love with her, as she is exactly his type. He likes girls who can beat him up. But he can never forget that if it weren't for her, Fred would still be there, so they never really develop a romance.

Spike has been obsessed with Slayers since he first heard about them. They represent the ultimate challenge for a vampire. Spike has killed two. The first one was mostly luck. If things had gone slightly differently, she would have killed him, and she did leave him with a scar. When he fought the second he was better at fighting, but he still went in not knowing if he'd win. Fighting is always a thrill for Spike, and no one's more fun than a Slayer. Plus, the blood tastes better than normal blood. Buffy was meant to be his third Slayer, but it really didn't work out the way he'd planned.

He tells Buffy at one point that every Slayer has a death wish. It might be true, but really, it's Spike who acts like he doesn't care whether he lives or dies. He consistently throws himself at more powerful opponents and keeps getting up for more punishment when staying down could spare him pain. When Glory tortures him for information about Dawn, not only does he not tell her, he openly mocks her. It doesn't matter how outmatched he is, Spike tackles every battle with sarcastic quips and unbridled enthusiasm. He isn't really afraid of anything physical, as he'll heal from almost any wound. He doesn't care if he wins or loses the fight, it's the thrill of battle he craves. When he gets older, he gets more careful and better at purposefully not dying, but he still wouldn't hesitate to give his life to save the right people, and he still follows Angel into an impossible to win strike against Wolfram and Hart. His own well-being means very little to him.

As a human, William was an outsider. Spike is an outsider too, but mostly by choice. He doesn't follow rules or orders unless they're set by someone he actually respects, and even then, he only does it if he feels like it. He's a vampire, and that means he doesn't need to worry about what anyone thinks of him. He curses and drinks, fights and loves, and always looks to have a good time. In his first episode, he takes over the main Sunnydale vampire nest and tells the other vampires that under him, "we're gonna have a little less ritual, and a little more fun around here." He enjoys what he does, and even with a soul, he broods a lot less than Angel does.

He's always sarcastic and witty. He doesn't hesitate to speak his mind or insult people. He often refers to people by nicknames either to show affection or mock. He's very good at reading people and seeing what's going on, even when they can't tell themselves. This power completely vanishes when relating to himself, of course. He can makes plans, but he rarely has the patience to follow through with them. He acts on instinct rather than logic. In Touched, he says, "I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain, so I make a lot of mistakes." Spike does what feels right, and if he's wrong, he gets up and tries again.

Spike is a study in contradictions. He's a fighter and a lover, he swears and uses eloquent metaphors, he's sometimes pragmatic and often romantic, and he always burns with passion. He's loud and brash and doesn't do anything part-way. He believes in true love and happy endings, even if in his darker days, he doesn't think they'll happen. No matter how hard he tries to hide it, the poet inside him never completely died.


History: In 1880, William Pratt rushed from a party in tears after being rejected by the girl he loved. The vampire Drusilla found him in an alley and turned him. When he rose from the grave, the first thing he did was turn his mother to save her from her deadly disease. This proved to be a mistake. His mother hurled insults at him about how closely he clung to her and tried to have sex with him. William staked her before she could.

Dying was the best thing that could have happened to him. He reinvented himself as Spike. Instead of a soft poet that abhorred violence, he became a snarky, badass vampire that loved fighting and drinking and all the courser things in life. He even started talking with a less refined accent.

He terrorized Europe with Drusilla, Angelus, and Darla. Angelus did not approve of how rash and careless Spike could be, or of how much he doted on Drusilla. They clashed a lot, but ultimately Spike looked up to Angelus a lot. Then, in 1898, Angelus was cursed with a soul. Darla kicked him out, though Spike and Drusilla didn't know why. This was also the year that Spike and Dracula first clashed, starting off a rivalry that would span the next century.

In 1900, Spike killed his first Slayer. Xin Rong managed to slash his eyebrow with an enchanted sword, giving him his scar, but in the end, he won. He later described it as the best night of his life.

He and Drusilla set off on their own after that, leaving Angelus to his tortured brooding and Darla to rejoin the Master. Together, they caused lots of murder and mayhem as they traveled the world, having a great time.

In 1943, Dracula invited Spike and a few other vampires to a free virgin blood party that turned out to be a trap. Spike ended up on a Nazi sub that was then captured by US soldiers. Spike and the other vampires feasted until Angel showed up and convinced them to let the remaining crew live so they wouldn't drown to death. Angel made Spike leave the sub and swim to shore before they landed to protect the soldiers.

In 1977, Spike fought and killed the slayer Nikki Wood. She was more fun to fight than Xin Rong, and had a great coat. Spike took it from her after she died.

He rejoined Drusilla, and the two of them ended up in Prague, where Drusilla was tortured as an example to other vampires to warn them to stay away from the city. Spike freed her, and they went to Sunnydale together. They'd heard there was a Hellmouth and a Slayer there, and Spike thought it might help make Drusilla well again. Spike quickly took over leadership of the vampires there, killing the Anointed One and trying to kill the Slayer, though he wasn't successful. He was also reunited with Angel, and he finally caught on about the whole soul thing.

He captured Angel and used his blood to cure Drusilla, but in the process he was seriously injured to the point that he couldn't walk and needed a wheelchair to get around. And then Angel lost his soul.

For a while it was great. The three of them were a family again, though Darla wasn't around. But then Angel returned to his old girl stealing tricks. He constantly belittled Spike, making fun of him for the wheelchair and everything else he could think of. He flirted with Drusilla a lot and more, and she let him, which infuriated Spike. Jealousy, on top of the realization that Angelus and Drusilla could actually destroy the world, and that Spike didn’t want that to happen, led him to turn to his sworn enemy. The Slayer.

Buffy Summers was, of course, skeptical when Spike initially suggested they work together to stop Angelus, but she didn't have enough options that she could turn him down. Together, they fought Angelus, Drusilla, and the random vampire minions. Spike knocked out Drusilla and left for Brazil with her, leaving Buffy to finish Angel off.

But things had changed, and Drusilla knew it, even if Spike didn't yet. He'd worked with the Slayer, and though he would laugh at the very idea, he'd already started to fall in love. It was enough that Drusilla took to finding pleasure from other men. When Spike saw her with a Chaos Demon, he had to put an end to it, but Drusilla wouldn't stay with just him. He returned to Sunnydale a drunken wretch. When he learned that Willow was becoming something of a witch, he kidnapped her and Xander and tried to force her to perform a love spell on Drusilla. She agreed in order to postpone her death, but said she'd need ingredients she didn't have with her. Spike had cocoa with Buffy's mom until Buffy and Angel showed up all ready to fight. He pointed out that they'd never find Willow and Xander if they killed him, so instead they followed him to get the ingredients for the love spell. They stopped to fight some vampires, and Spike regained his confidence in himself, sending Buffy and Angel off to find Willow and Xander and leaving Sunnydale to win Drusilla back.

It didn't work. They got back together for a very short time before she left him again, this time for a fungus demon. Spike went back to Sunnydale searching for the legendary Ring of Amara, an item that would make him invincible. He found it, but Buffy kicked his ass anyway, took the ring, and sent it to Angel. Spike failed to take it back from Angel, and went back to Sunnydale.

Before he had a chance to start terrorizing Buffy, some secret government soldiers from the Initiative knocked him out and captured him. They put a chip in his head that rendered him incapable of attacking anything living. Again, he turned to his mortal enemy for help, offering information in exchange for them not staking him on sight. Still, he was depressed to the point that he attempted suicide until he discovered that although he was helpless against humans, he could fight demons all he wanted. He moved out and dedicated his life to making life hard for the Scoobies in non-violent ways. Sometimes, though, he'd help them, either because Buffy beat him up or they offered him money.

Spike was not happy with this arrangement. Even if he could still hurt demons, he couldn't hunt and kill like he usually did. And the Slayer was everywhere, making his life harder no matter what he did. He couldn't stop thinking about her, even when she wasn't around. Eventually he realized to his horror that he was in love with her.

He started helping without expecting money in exchange. He comforted her when her mother was going to the hospital and took care of Dawn and Joyce when Buffy couldn't protect them. He also took to stealing pictures of her and bits of her clothing and standing around outside her house. Eventually, Buffy caught on. She was disgusted and went to tell him that no, nothing could ever happen with them. Unfortunately, Drusilla had just decided to take Spike back as well. She zapped Buffy with a cattle prod, knocking her unconscious. Then Spike knocked Drusilla unconscious and chained both of them up. He declared his love for Buffy and offered to stake Drusilla to prove it. She wasn't impressed, and he threatened to let Drusilla kill Buffy if she wouldn't give him even the slightest bit of hope something might happen. Buffy stood firm, Harmony showed up and shot Spike with an arrow, Drusilla broke free and tried to kill Buffy, Spike stopped her, and Buffy uninvited Spike from her house.

Spike was desperate. Buffy was even less interested in him than before, and now all her friends and family hated him. He commissioned Warren to build him a robot Buffy that would love him. Glory, the season's Big Bad, had sent minions to watch all of Buffy's acquaintances for hints to who or what the Key was. They saw Buffybot protecting Spike above all else, decided he was the key, and kidnapped him. Glory knew immediately that he was not, but realized he might know who was. She tortured him while Buffy and the other Scoobies headed towards them to kill Spike before he could tell, but Spike managed to escape. Buffy pretended to be the robot and learned that Spike hadn't told and would rather die than betray Buffy and Dawn, she kissed him and told him that what he'd done was real, and she wouldn't forget it.

After that, Spike started helping more. Glory found out that Dawn was the key, and Buffy reinivited Spike in. She also made him promise to protect Dawn no matter what. During the final battle, Spike tried to protect her, but a demon pushed him off a tower, and though Dawn made it out safely, Buffy sacrificed her life to save Dawn and the world.

Spike was devastated, but he stuck around to keep his promise to Buffy. He protected Dawn and Sunnydale instead of leaving. The Scoobies brought the Buffybot back into commission to fool demons into thinking the Slayer was still alive. Though the robot had originally been Spike's, he could hardly stand to look at it because it wasn't Buffy and just reminded him that she was gone.

Then Willow, Xander, Anya, and Tara brought Buffy back with a spell. She was not very happy to be back because, as she confided in Spike, she hadn't been in Hell like her friends had thought, she'd been in Heaven. They started almost being friends, but of course, Spike wanted more. He didn't really push her or tell her how much he felt until a demon turned Sunnydale into a musical and forced him to confess. After they'd beaten the bad guy and before the spell had worn off, the two of them kissed.

One kiss turned into two, and Spike wouldn't let Buffy forget it. He wanted her, and now it was clear she wanted him as well. She resisted until he learned that his chip didn't work on her. He claimed she came back wrong and they had a fight in an abandoned building that quickly turned into violent and passionate sex that destroyed the house.

Buffy again claimed that it wouldn't happen again, but she couldn't keep away. They started a secret affair that was emotionally difficult for both of them. He was in love with her, but she didn't feel the same way. She felt dirty and guilty about what the two of them did and refused to let them have anything more than sex. Eventually, she called it off because she realized she was using him and it was wrong.

Spike didn't want it to be over. He kept trying to get Buffy to sleep with him again, but she stayed firm. He started drinking and commiserating with Anya, who was similarly heartbroken over her recent break-up with Xander. They ended up having sex in the Magic Box. Unfortunately, their friends managed to hack into the spy cameras the three wannabe supervillains had put in the store right at that moment. Xander rushed down to kill Spike and Buffy followed him to stop him. Spike told Xander and Anya that he and Buffy had been sleeping together.

Later, Dawn showed up at Spike's crypt and told him how much he had hurt Buffy. Spike took that to mean Buffy loved him, and he went to her house to try and patch things up between the two of them. She said no, but he wouldn't listen, and he tried to force her to have sex with him. She kicked him across the room, and he finally got the hint that this time, no really meant no. Horrified that he had tried to rape the woman he loved, he left Sunnydale and went to Africa to undergo the Demon Trials and get a soul. He wanted to no longer be the type of man that could do something so terrible to someone he cared about.

He returned to Sunnydale, but getting a soul had taken a bigger toll than he'd expected. He moved into the basement of the newly built Sunnydale High and went crazy. His hair grew out, and he clawed at his chest to try and get the soul out. Of course, it didn't work.

He finally emerged to try and help Buffy with an evil that was coming. He didn't apologize, but insisted he had changed. Anya, now a vengeance demon, could see the new soul, but Spike attacked her before she could tell, and Buffy broke up the fight. Spike attacked her instead, but they were interrupted by the demon they'd been after in the first place reappearing.

The demon was a man under one of Anya's vengeance curses, and she managed to reverse it just before Spike impaled him, causing them both to scream in pain, Spike from the chip and the man from being stabbed. Spike went insane and started muttering to himself. He ran into a church, and Buffy went after him. He let on that he had a new soul, but he went back to his basement where the First Evil tormented him and made him crazy.

Eventually, Buffy got him to come out and move into Xander's spare bedroom. But people start turning up dead, and it's clear Spike's to blame. He denies it until he suddenly regains his memory. He moves into Buffy's basement and she chains him up. He tries to get her to stake him because he's done so much evil and thinks he'll do more, but she refuses, insisting she believes in him. The First Evil sent its servants, the Bringers to attack the Summers household and kidnap Spike. The First chained him up over the Hellmouth's and bled him, opening the seal and letting out one of the Turok-Han. The First tried to turn Spike against Buffy, but he wouldn’t cooperate, insisting that Buffy would come for him. Eventually, she does. He started helping Buffy train the new potential Slayers and met Robin Wood, the son of the second Slayer he killed, though he didn't know it. Wood knew what Spike had done, though, and planned to get revenge.

They figured out the trigger was a certain song Spike's mother had sung to him back when he was human, but Giles and Wood still thought Spike could be dangerous. Giles distracted Buffy while Wood brought Spike to a warehouse filled with crosses and played the trigger. Spike managed to fight through it in time to stop Wood from killing him. He didn't kill Wood, but he told Buffy that if he attacked again, he would.

The second Slayer, Faith, returned to Sunnydale and quickly won over the potential slayers by being more focused on having fun and less worried about working than Buffy was. Without exactly planning it, she wrested control away from Buffy, who left the house. Spike came back from a mission and found her gone. He punched Faith and left to find Buffy. He gave her a pep talk and explained all the wonderful things about her he loved, and she asked him to stay the night, just holding her. Spike later described it as the best night of his life.

Angel returned from LA, and Spike saw Buffy kiss him hello. He left angrily. She found him later and told him she'd made Angel go. She gave him a necklace with a talisman intended to be worn by a champion with a soul that was more than human. Angel had meant to wear it, but Buffy gave it to Spike. They went to the final battle, Buffy shared her power with all the potentials, and Spike channeled the power of the sun through himself and the necklace, immediately dusting the vampires they were fighting and causing an earthquake. Buffy's forces started retreating, but Spike couldn't leave. Buffy tried to make him go, but he told her to go, let him sit it out. Before he burned up, she told him she loved him, and he thanked her, but didn't believe him. Buffy ran to join the rest of the group while Spike combusted, taking all of Sunnydale with him.

First Person Sample: Look, I'm not saying the big, mystical woods isn't very nice and pleasant and with a lovely sun that doesn’t burn me into dust, but I've got a final bloody battle to fight! Fate of the world, resting on me and my friends, not really something I can put off for a sodding camping trip!

God, Buffy, wherever she is, I told her I wouldn't leave her, and I bloody won't so send me back! You don't understand, I've got to get back!! And I've got this necklace, could be the solution to all our problems, and here I am, hanging about a stupid forest! Come out and fight me, you stupid wankers! I'll make you send me back!

Prose Sample: Spike stared at the shiny bauble Buffy had given him, contemplating the possible end of the world. He doubted he'd live through this battle. Not just because magic items like this tended to take a lot out of a person, but because there was no way he was letting Buffy or Dawn get hurt, not this time. If someone was going to die, and he had no doubt someone would, he'd rather it be him. He'd lived long enough as it was.

Buffy walked down the stairs and he stood up. They watched each other for a moment.

"Wasn't sure you'd come," Spike said.

She smiled a little as she crossed the room. "I don't think I could sleep tonight otherwise."

He reached for her as soon as she was near enough and they collapsed back on his cot together. "Me neither," he admitted. "Not sure I'll be able to even with you here."

She leaned her head against his chest, pulling his arm around her. "It is big. I mean, my plan, with Willow, and all the Potentials…"

He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her hand. "I know, love. But if anyone can do it…"

She smiled a little. "Yeah, you say it, but what if I can't? What if this is the last night I'll ever have?"

Spike was silent for a moment. Then he smiled, leaning his head against hers. "I know I'm exactly where I'd want to be."

Buffy didn't answer, but she squeezed his hand again. "Spike…"

"Mmm?"

She looked up at him. "If it is, you know, the last. We could—"

He shook his head. "Buffy, don't. I know what you're thinking, and… don't."

"But—"

"Look, I know it's tempting. Go out with a bang and all." He smirked a little, and she snorted. "But that's not… I'm not saying I don't want you. God, I'll always want you. But it wouldn't be right."

She glanced up at him, smiling softly. "You really have changed."

He shrugged. "I guess. Though I'll tell you what. You still want to, after all this is over? I'll be more than happy to shag you so hard you can't walk for a week. Then we can spend all that time lying in bed and not worrying about the world."

Buffy leaned back against his chest and brought his hand up next to his heart. "I'll think about it," she said softly.

Spike held her close. He might whisper pretty words, but he knew he was giving up what was probably his last chance ever to touch Buffy. He might never have that opportunity again.

He looked down at her, cuddled up close to him looking as content as anyone could be with the impending apocalypse and smiled. He didn't regret his decision.

Special Notes: Seanan McGuire is amazing. Why did no one tell me about her before?